im lost

i dont know what to do. im so confused. ive had this weird celebrity obsession with johnny depp and tom felton. but it made me aware that im not sure what the meaning of life is. i dont know why im here or what im supposed to do. im not happy with my life and where its going. im not happy in general and i dont know what i can or cannot do about it. im a regular chinese girl in highschool. im probably going to go to a fairly good college, graduate and find a job. ill another middle class semi-successful person. probably with a couple kids and a husband. but i dont want this. this is just what the world has planned for me. my life seems so meaningless. and i dont know what i can do to change that fact. i still have that weird obsession with fame and im intrigued and attracted to the idea. i guess its something that my foolish mind wants to be. famous? thats stupid. i feel like an idiotic 12 year old. but i guess im not entirely attracted to fame because it is fame. i guess im attracted to it because then i would KNOW that i meant something. i would know that i mattered. all i want to do with my life is matter. but ever since i realized that its pretty much meaningless, i just dont know what to do. i cant even explain it. im so hopelessly fucking lost.

swimming. among other things.

so i was on the swim team last year for my highschool (as a freshman) and i didnt go to club swimming (year round) because my grades werent too fantastic and i needed to focus on school. so over the summer my mom got me a membership to the Y so i could try to get back in shape for swim season.(since running is just NOT my thing. AT ALL) but now swimming is starting to turn into one of those things where my mom tries to force me to do it and so i rebel and i dont want to as much. she tries to force me to go to the Y and sometimes i just dont want to (like today, i didnt really feel like going and my foot was still slighty slwollen from a bee sting) and then she'll proceed to yell at me. I can tell its turning into one of those things. and i dont want it to. its like what happened with violin. i wish i could enjoy playing violin more, but because of my moms constant nagging and yelling and forcing me to practice. i hate it. what can i do to fix these two thing? (both the swimming and violin) and whats with parents who do this to their children? dont they realize that when they push children to do things the children just rebel? ugh.

i really need to stop my stupid celebrity obsessions. its ridiculously shallow and stupid. why cant i just live my own life and get over these other famous people? why does it matter so much to me? like tom felton, johnny depp and (idk if this really counts) but people who do mugglecast and smartmouths. i really do just want to meet all these people. but i find it so pathetic.

well. thats it.

harry potter. among other things

ok. im pretty much over my weird phase of johnny depp obsession. i still havent finished that letter. but hopefully i will someday. i dont even think i have stamps to mail the damn thing. but whatever.

also, i recently realized that i really like the tonight show with conan o brien. hes pretty funny and i didnt like him for the longest time. i watched the interview with michael phelps on tuesday. pretty entertaining.

on friday i went to go see harry potter and the half blood prince. i was upset that i didnt go to the midnight showing. its just much more exciting that way but i guess next year...overall. i thought the movie was...okay. i dunno. i didnt think it was great. everyone was really upset they took out the last battle scene but i didnt actually care that much. i dont think it made that much of a difference. also, i thought the scene transitions were pretty bad. one scene would end and it would cut to something completely different. very choppy and not smooth at all. i realize that at some points there were a lot of sidestories (i guess?) and it was hard to fit it all in. but seriously the scene transitions were TERRIBLE. anyone agree? i also dont understand why the movie was rated PG. i thought some parts were pretty effin scary. they did a really good job of the katie bell thing. really creepy and scary. also the inferi. holy shit. kind of reminded me of lord of the rings. i just really wouldnt recommend it to younger children. i disagree with the PG rating. the funniest part of the movie was when harry had taken the felix felices. hysterical.

my new obsession is mugglecast, a harry potter podcast. its so funny and amazing. anybody else listen to it? anyways, i really want to meet the podcasters. especially matt. hes pretty attractive...and probably the funniest of the lot. it sucks that i couldnt go the the harry potter convention. my parents would NOT allow me to fly out to san fransisco. haha. nooo wayyy. maybe when im older ill be able to...... hopefully. i just really want to meet them after all this time of listeing.

a few of them also do another podcast called smartmouths, a podcast just about everything and anything. pretty random but actually really good. they talk about current events, politics, pop culture and a lot of other stuff. everyone should really give it a try. ;)

alright. enough for now. hopefully ill remember to write again soon.

hmmm

so a lot of stuff has been going on. i havent really seen many of my friends recently cuz i have drivers ed every night. and my two best friends are always at camp. one of them came back a few days ago and she like recently became obsessed with another friend, jenny. and its becoming pretty annoying cuz shes kind of ditching her two best friends (jennifer and i). she didnt even ask me if i wanted to go tailgating with her and jenny. i found out from her facebook status. she was like "i have two extra tickets does anyone want to go?" like she didnt even think about inviting me. i couldnt have gone anyways, but still. and she took me up to her cottage last year and i was going to go up with her on the fourth of july of last year but i ended up not going. and this year i was like "im totally going up with you this year fourth of july" and she was like "oh, no. jenny already called it." i was like wtf. she didnt even know jenny for like 6 months. i like jenny and everything but sometimes she gets on my nerves. all she ever talks about is her boyfriend. its pretty annoying.

also, im going through another one of my johnny depp obsession phases. im pretty sure im going to send him a fan letter. i so ridiculous even saying this. im such a loser. i really want to meet him one day though.

SUMMER!

exams are over and school is out!! i think i did pretty well on all my exams....except english. which was the hardest exam EVER. i really, really hope that it didnt pull down my A. i just played violin at the graduation ceremony and it was not as bad as i thought it would be. i knew a lot of the seniors and my sister's boyfriend was also graduating. so im officially over my ex-bf. idk, it must have just been like a phase or something, i got over him. but now i think i might possibly like another guy. hes been my friend for a while and weve gotten really close (physically and mentally......) but the only problem is he kind of just got out a relationship that lasted almost a year. but whatever. well just see. and i probably wont see too much of him this summer because i have like anti-social summers where my parents make me do things like SAT prep. its actually not as bad this year. but they already yelled at me for like having a wild summer already...?whatever.

huh?

oh lordy lord, am i confused. so i thought that i just like the thought/idea of a boyfriend and not actually a boyfriend. but then im not sure if im over my ex. and i have no idea whether id like to have him back, or i just want a boyfriend. which is confusing. and im also not sure if i just want him back as a friend b.c. before we went out we were REALLY good friends. and now things are quite awkward between us. and obviously we were like 'lets stay friends" but its still always awkward, and im not sure what to do.....

im singleeee!!!!

ok, so my boyfriend and i just broke up. he initiated it, but im okay with it. i guess im in shock...sort of. but i really only liked the idea of having a boyfriend...not my boyfriend. okay, im going to bed now.